I S K R I S T A L L E R

I haven't given any information about my other, pretty recently -or not recently, depends on how you see it- created novel called "How To Ruin a Masterpiece". Which partially is based on a true story, which inspired me in the middle of my writing. How To Ruin a Masterpiece is a comedy, probably more for younger girls. Throughout the story you'll follow the main character -whose name is Eleanor Kennedy, who lives in the capital of New Zealand and goes to EGGS, a school for girls. Eleanor who is a clumsy and not too popular girl has always dreamed of being famous and adored, but gets famous in a whole different way than she'd wished for. During a schooltrip to New York she ruins a Picasso masterpiece by mistake and all of a sudden she is on every TV screen there is and every person in her school knows who she is
- "The Picasso destroyer".

Here I am giving you the first un-corrected -and first edition- chapter of How To Ruin a Masterpiece!




Chapter I: Fame

“My name is Christie Woods and you’re watching the CNN News. I’m now standing here outside the Epsom Girls Grammar School , Auckland, New Zealand, where no other than the young Eleanor Kennedy studies. But perhaps more known as the `Picasso destroyer´! What’s it like Eleanor?” 

“Eh… Eh well if I’d known who this Picasso guy was… Perhaps I would have been more careful with my steps? But no one really told me until afterwards?”

“So how did this accident happen?”

“Eh... Well I had some fush and chups in my bag and...”

“ Fush and...?”

“Fush and Chups”

“Fish and chips?”

“Yeah I told you, Fush and Chups”

“Oh, that must be your accent! Could you continue your story please?”

“Don’t you ever laugh at me for my accent! No ONE, laughs at my accent!”

Nikki hit the pause button on the remote control and laughed so hard she almost fell off the couch.
“No ONE laughs at my accent!” She shrieked. I gave her a sour look and turned off the TV.
“This is the most awful, horrible, devastating, miserable terrifying, grim, beyond any word in the whole world that describes something tragic, worst day of my whole life! Aren’t you supposed to support me?!”

“Eh? Look Eleanor, you really did a good job! I’m so grateful to you! Thanks to you I’ve definitely made my starter career. Did you see my `Oh´ on the News? It was so natural and I really looked devastated and had a real actress potential! I bet Hollywood isn’t very far away now!”

Yup. That is Nikki. My cousin, my neighbour and my best friend. Is it not unbelievable.

My name is Eleanor Kennedy and I do not live in Los Angeles or New York, which I should. No, I live in Sheepland, also known as New Zealand. What is even worse is that when I finally move to The USA people will hear where I am from because I will have my stupid New Zealand accent for ever, ever and E-V-E-R.  How fun is it to move to America and have everyone laughing at you for saying “fush and chups” when saying fish and chips and asking you whether you have a sheep instead of a dog or not.  Correct answer is: no fun at all.

“Seriously everyone at EGGS will stare at you like you’re some kind of celebrity, Eleanor! At me too probably! Perhaps even the King boys...” Nikki droned on.

“The Kings?oh...” I sighed and closed my eyes. The King boys... Oh maybe I shall explain! Well you see I go to the EGG school, Epsom Girls Grammar School, and it is a pretty good school except it sucks because...

1. You have to wear UNIFORMS (which means no design clothes even though everyone at EGGS is rich enough to afford twenty full wardrobes full of them) and they are horrifically FUGLY.

2. You have to wear blue, black, white and things with golden stripes on only (NO PINK?!)

3. No jewellery is permitted (though I wear it anyway, I just hide it under my shirt whenever I have class so the teachers won’t kill me or something , or send me a note home)

4. NO BOYS .( (!!!!!!))

There is one school though for boys only. My friends and I often go there to spy on them, not that we never see boys or something but the boys on King’s school are all (well almost) amazingly not-that-bad-looking-at. Seriously it is like heaven on earth. I think once a boy looked at me and smiled, my friends could not get contact with me for a whole week and a half after that because I turned into a zombie in daydreams but it all went away when I found out he was gay. Well anyhow King boys are fantastic, period. I sometimes pray to God before I go to bed that someday the heads of EGG and King’s will realize what a good idea it would be to make King’s and EGGS to ONE school. It would be called Epsom King’s Grammar School for boys & girls. I sometimes get surprised at how clever I am. I know one day there will be a big statue of me in gold somewhere really cool.

However this day I was rather upset, which I in fact had been all week and my so called best friend would not even support me in this grave crisis I was going through. Not to mention all the reporters  and photographers chasing me on my way to the shop to get some more chocolate. My mother totally dislikes it. Well the chocolate part I mean, she gets really mad when she finds paper (I never leave any piece of chocolate behind) from another chocolate bar in my room or somewhere else in the house, well sometimes even the garden. She says I will put on weight because I have the genes for that on my father’s side (you know how mums/dads always say you got the good things from them and the bad things from the other parent and so on) and that I already weigh more than I should. My nurse always goes on about that as well, but I am not FAT okay! I mean what is the problem with today’s people, they think everyone should weigh 43 kilos and be taller than giraffes. My grandma calls me “Chubby Bunny” by the way.  I do eat a lot of chocolate when I am upset. The day before yesterday I ate twelve Twix chocolate bars, but hey who does not do that when they are upset! It does not make me a fat person! Well I will be more careful with where I throw the papers, mum always gets so hysterical whenever she finds one that I am worried she will have a heart attack.

Anyway mom dislikes the chocolate part but she hates the reporter and photographer part. But she still thinks it is my own fault and she says I am officially forbidden not to eat chocolate for two months. I know what you are thinking. Two months! Who can do that?! Well, well I always thought my mother was a bit insane. She never eats anything but bananas and vegetables. She is always on weird diets. I still doubt whether it was mum’s or dad’s genes that made me fat. Not that I am fat. Because I am not.

“I thought your mum said you must not eat that?!”  Nikki  exclaimed when I carefully sneaked in some of the chocolate I had hidden in my jeans pocket.

“Hm?” I said, my mouth stuffed with heavenly chocolate.

“Eleanor, did you ever ask yourself the question why fat people wear so ugly clothes? Well, perhaps you did not know but all the cool and nice design clothes – like this-“ Nikki pointed at her Marc Jacobs t-shirt. 
“- They don’t exist in bigger sizes.”

I choke on my chocolate and coughed for a while. “Who told you that?”

“No one did, I just know. Look Eleanor if I were you I would not be like that to me, you know I am the only one you have got in this situation you are in and I never let you down, did I?”  Hmph! That could be discussed...

“Of course not Nikki” I said with a smile.

                                                                         *
Did you ever wish you had a boy child? Or perhaps you have a little brother? If number one: Cancel your wishes. If number two: Sell him on eBay. I think waking up with chewing gum in your hair is the most awful thing you can go through (Okay top list is: World war and second: Chewing gum). Seeing a note on the pillow that says
 “Oops I must have mistaken your head for a dustbin”, makes it so much worse than that. Could be discussed as worse than World war when I finally get a hard grip around that idiot’s throat. I usually only cry when I really want something (like chocolate or something from the new Burberry or Prada collection) but sometimes I get so utterly furious that I cannot stop the tears from coming.

“ERIIIIIIIC!” I shouted my tears streaming down furiously red face.

“YOU HAVE JUST SIGNED YOUR DEATHWISH AND GOODBYE!”  A small giggle was heard from the other room. I stood up, threw my blankets aside, heading for my brother’s room.

“YOU LITTLE...” I looked around the room. He was nowhere to be seen.

 “YOU SHOW YOURSELF, CREEP!” I said in a disgusted tone.

“EN GARDE!”

Something hard was slammed against my head. And then everything went black. I woke up on the living room sofa fifteen minutes later, with a pair of big icy blue eyes staring into mines so close that I got a shock and could not help screaming. “Oh dear!!” My mother gushed and took a step back.


 “No! I do not know, Mark! Tell me, what should I do! I cannot believe he knocked her over just like that! I have no idea what has-“

“Mom?” I said and sat up, wondering who she was talking to, but I changed my mind when I all of a sudden felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. “Ow!”

“Oh dear!” My mother exclaimed again and threw our telephone aside on the marble table.


“Honey are you quite all right? Count to ten honey!” She shook my shoulders back and forth as though it was a matter of death.


“What you think I am, mom? Retarded?” I moaned.

“Honey please count to ten!”

“Look, I am not going to count to ten.” I said and pushed her hands away. Mom looked at me with horror in her eyes and picked up the phone again.

“Mark, I am telling you, the girl won’t count to ten! She desperately needs treatment but driving her to the hospital is impossible! We will be tracked all way! We need professionals to come here, Mark, we need someone to check on our daughter, she cannot go to school today!”

“Mom-“ I said but she wouldn’t listen she just kept talking to dad on the phone as if I was dying or something.

“Mom...” I tried again. Long silence. Dad was obviously speaking.

“But Mark, don’t you see this is serious! He hit her hard!  With a sword! Plastic?! So? She fainted, Mark, she passed out! For fifteen minutes! And a half! No! He ran away at the moment I heard it! Look, Mark how can you take easy on this?! This is serious! Our daughter fainted. How can they behave like this? Like monsters? I certainly didn’t bring them up to this behaviour! No! No!”

“MOM!” I yelled, this time so loudly that my mom dropped the phone to the floor.   

 

“What’s wrong? I am okay! Okay? My head hurts a bit though, but I am not retarded and I am not dying.” I said sourly and stood up. My mom quickly ran up to my side and grabbed my arm.

”Honey are you sure you should walk right now? After all, Eric knocked you out, I am not sure if breakfast or school is a very good idea this stage of-“

“Mom, whatever Eric did to me I need to go to school. I am okay.”


“But honey! This is the first time since the- the accident that you’re leaving the house for school, I am not sure if leaving in this condition is a very clever thing to do! And why are you being so stubborn about this!?”

“Hm.” I said and raised my eyebrows at my mother.”My reputation is at stage mom.”

My mom made big goggle eyes.  She does not understand a thing. Seriously. Bad reputation for her is usually about mistreating your garden or kitchen in some sort of way. I cannot believe she just threw a look out to the window to see whether the grass was still green and that no weed was taking over it. She actually did. Oh no twice. Oh no three times! I cannot stand this.

“You don’t get a thing, do you, mom?” I said, grabbed my lunchbox (with chocolate in as well) and a green apple. I took my schoolbag and put on my shoes and without throwing a last look behind, just to have a last glimpse of the home I’d grown up in, I opened the door out to the jungle.